Here im again tonite… my eyes doesn’t wanna close at all… its still fresh like a full moon in the sky high above… calmly gazing to earth... shining through the dark nite.. like a glue stick in these eyes... with my head moving and spinning around and around… tried to figure out what exactly happened last night… then, here I am in this blog… juz to get rid of this uneasy feeling… i feel so terrible at the moment... feel so sorry to myself for what i've done... i was the bad guy after all... nothing is true about me...
Today… I juz felt so lucky… after a few weeks, I can walk normally… no more pain in my leg… i feel so alive… yet inside still unknown... may be it wont function well.. or may be damage... how do i know... i juz don wanna know... and outside, the rain kept failing… there was a stormy day for me… and the sky turned to dark out of nowhere.. until I lost my sight… lost my voice... lost my way… I lost... felt like im lost my both leg rite now...
i dunno how to start this... i dont have any strength to write all of this... im so shame for the thing i've said and done... i lost my smiley face since that... it's gone... i cant smile... i cant laugh... i cant live with this anymore... its hard for me... i wish i can wear a smile again... and put on my face like others... i juz wanna live like others... do i deserved it?
but i know for sure.. i can change nothing.. i cant made up someone mind to love me.. to appreciate me... to care of me... and i never want that anyway... and im not begging for that... and how ridiculous when someone asked me to erase the thing i cant... even i did.. how can i erase it from my mind? its like someone asked me to erase my memories... the one i treasure most... the thing that light up my life... tell me, how im supposed to do? why did you begging for the impossible thing... please, never, ever begging for unreal thing... and now i want begging you... not to say sorry or an apologize, because im know, i dont deserve it.. i juz wanna you take back your word... its hurting me... and i'm the one who need to apologize.. and im sorry... rite from the start... i have thrown away my pride.. my ego, i put it under my feet.. i buried it long time ago when this bond was tied... my satisfaction, i killed it coz im afraid it'll get in our way... and at that moment, im the happiest person.. like this world belong to me... and that is what i want let you know... because i cant stop from thinking... and i cant stop you from say goodbye... once you said.. please dont turn back... coz you'll see im terribly crying for sure...
the rain kept falling... like understood what exactly i felt inside... and washed up my tears... thats why nobody can see it... and i will never let anyone see it... the pain, juz let me bear it... when i think again... i should choose the lonely path... because it was the best path for me... its hard to believe... in my life, people come and go... and now... i never wonder if that will happen again... juz its so sad to have it again and again... how cruel this world to treat me like this... and i juz wanna know... whats wrong with me 'till everyone goes against me?
but i wonder... can i have that smile face once again... i love to have those day again and again... and i miss it so much...
well it was 4 in the morning... it was pitch dark in my room... it was cooled and calmed here.. till i can hear every ticking of the clock... and its going late...so i need to force myself goes to sleep... i get a thing to do this morning... so, i juz need to rest...
No comments:
Post a Comment